Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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