Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
