Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
