i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
