I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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