Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
