I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
