im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
