dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am full of burrito and curiosity
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
