Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
