have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
