How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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