Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I did not marry a roomba.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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