fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
