can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
