final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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