you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
