I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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