i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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