I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
