Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
