i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
