UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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