as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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