Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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