I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
