I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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