she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
