he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
