I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
