please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
