I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
