Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
