Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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