how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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