i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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