theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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