The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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