you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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