Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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