So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize