when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just cut my nipple shaving
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
