franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
