Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
