you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
