You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
