He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
