Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Green mimosas i think yes
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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