The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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