Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
