dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
