Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
