True but thats because hes a fetus.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
