You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
