i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
