i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I intend to get homeless drunk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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