weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
